Stop Jerking Me Around!
by miforever29
Summary: OneShot Ed wakes to find himself in a different world. Craziness follows and he gets a present or two he’d rather do without. FMALoZ:OoT Crossover


**A/N: **Well, I'm writing this fic for a friend of mine who came up with the idea, but said he couldn't put it down in written form. Hope you like it!

**Summary:** (One-Shot) Ed wakes to find himself in a different world. Craziness follows and he gets a present (or two) he'd rather do without. FMA/LoZ:OoT Crossover

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FullMetal Alchemist or Legend of Zelda. The copyright belong to their respective owners (Must we go over this again?).

**Stop Jerking Me Around!**

"Ed, wake up," a voice said above him. It sounded familiar.

"Five more minutes," he mumbled, rolling over onto his side.

"No, get up now," the voice insisted. An annoying buzzing of wings fluttered by Ed's ear. He waved his arm about in an attempt to swat it.

"HEY!" the voice said, rising to a high-pitched whistle. "Watch it, that's me your trying to kill!"

Ed groaned and placed his hands over his ears to drown out all the noise.

"Get UP!" Something small and incredibly hard collided with his stomach, causing him to curl up in pain. Cursing and muttering to himself, he sat up.

"I'm up! Are you happy now?" he asked irritably, glaring in the direction of the voice. His eye's widened in shock at what he saw. A tiny glowing orb with wings was floating in front of him, and in that orb was what was unmistakably-

"Al?"

"Eh? Who's that Ed?"

"You're-" he said, pointing a shaky finger at the Al-fairy, his face turning white.

"Are you okay? You aren't sick are you, because we have to help out at the ranch today like you promised."

"Ranch?" Ed asked faintly.

"Yes, Lon Lon Ranch, where we are now," he replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "What is up with you today? You're acting weird."

"I just need to go wash my face," he said, getting to his feet. Spotting the water troughs, he headed over to one and dunked his head straight into it, the cool water waking him more efficiently than the incessant Al-fairy. He pulled his head out from underwater and gave his head a slight shake. Glancing down, he caught sight of his reflection, and he did not like what he saw one bit.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

"What's wrong?" came the worried voice of the Al-fairy.

"What's wrong?" he said hysterically. "Oh I don't know, just the fact that I'm in SOMEONE ELSE'S FRIGGIN BODY!"

"Someone else's…"

"YES, SOMEONE ELSE'S BODY!" he shouted at the little metal fairy, knocking him out of the air. "What do I do Al? What do I do!"

"One," the fairy said irritably. "You calm down."

"How am I supposed to-"

"Two," he said, speaking over Ed. "I'm not Al, I'm Navi, remember?"

"Navi…" he repeated faintly.

Before anything else could be said however a man in white overalls and a green shirt approached them.

"Ah, good you're already awake. Now if you'll follow me to the stables-"

Edward stared. _'No way, Mustang too?'_

"What? Do I have something on my face?" asked the overall-wearing Flame Alchemist.

"M-Mustang?" Ed stuttered.

"No, I'm Ingo, as you very well know," he replied irritably, turning his back on them. "Now hurry and follow me. Those stalls aren't going to clean themselves."

Numbly, Edward obeyed. As he followed 'Ingo' he wondered about how he had gotten here and his strange new appearance. His reflection had shown a boy in his late teens. He still had blonde hair, but the majority of it was hidden under a green cap similar to one you might wear to bed. His eyes had changed colour too, from golden yellow to a baby blue. For his clothing, he wore a simple tunic, the same shade of green as his cap along with a white undershirt and pants. He wore leather gloves and boots, and bound to his back was a scabbard with a sword and a shield. And to top it all off, he had pointy ears! Perfect.

"This just can't get any worse can it?" he muttered to himself.

"Well you've jinxed it now," whispered the Al-fairy.

"Shut up."

"Now," Mustang said, opening the door on the side of a wooden building and stepping inside. "I want you to clean out all of these stalls and replace the hay. Make sure you ONLY get rid of the dirty hay in the stalls and mix in the replacement with what's left over afterwards. We don't want the horses and cows eating it."

Ed looked dumbfounded at the pitchfork and wheelbarrow Mustang had thrust into his grip and then to the dozen or so stalls to be cleaned and then at Mustang's face, which currently had a smug look plastered on it, just daring him to argue.

'_Definitely Mustang,'_ he thought to himself with a grimace.

"I'll be back in two hours to check your progress," Mustang said, slamming the stable door as he left.

Ed sighed dejectedly. Two hours? Who did he think he was kidding? He'd be lucky to finish it at all. Suddenly a thought occurred to him.

'I wonder if alchemy is possible here…' 

Dumping the pitchfork and wheelbarrow, Ed raised his hands and stared intently at them.

"Here goes," he muttered to himself. He stood before one of the stalls and clapped his hands together and placed them on the ground.

Nothing.

No bright lights signifying an alchemic reaction. No feeling of elation at a reaction gone right. Nothing but a pile of manure and hay.

"Dammit!" he shouted, kicking the wheelbarrow in frustration only to have it fall on his toe. He howled in pain and began to hop about the stables, clutching his boot.

"Ed?" asked the Al-fairy tentatively.

"What?" he spat. The look on his face could have melted rock.

"Oh, ah, nothing," he trailed off, thinking it'd be best to let Ed get started on the stables when he was ready.

Two hours later, Ed collapsed in a heap outside, exhausted. He had managed to finish in time and was now taking a well-deserved rest.

---

'_I'll just rest my eyes,'_ he thought to himself, leaning back against the wall. Just when he finally had gotten comfortable, a shadow passed over him, followed by a much too cheery shriek.

"Hi Edward!"

"Go away, can't you see I'm tired Winry," he said annoyed, without opening his eyes.

"Winry?" she asked confused. "Who's that Ed?"

Now it was Ed's turn to be confused. He opened his eyes and looked up at the girl in front of him. It was definitely Winry. She was wearing a full-length summer dress, funny symbols adorning the sleaves. Around her waist she wore an apron, which had what looked like grease smeared across it. Her long blonde hair was out, cascading around her face. And, Ed blinked befuddled, she had pointy ears sticking out from underneath her golden hair.

"Uh, hello, Ed?" she said, waving her hand in front of his face. "I asked you a question."

"Wha- oh, that. Ah, never mind," he said flustered, avoiding her eye. She had that dangerous look sparkling in it and he had just noticed that she was holding a wrench in her other hand.

"Malon, great job on the gate," said Mustang as he came out of the stables. "Keep up the good work."

"Thanks Ingo," Winry said cheerfully.

"I'd give your work a mere pass," he added glancing at Ed, that annoying smirk once again on his face. Ed ground his teeth as the stuck-up state alchemist walked around the corner.

"Uh, Ed, I have a favour to ask," Winry said quietly, jerking Ed's attention away from the corner Mustang had disappeared around. He grunted to show he was paying attention. Taking this as good sign, she grabbed his hand and dragged him over to a truly magnificent horse.

"This is Epona," she said, patting the white mane of the red horse. "She was just a foal last time you saw her. Now she fully grown." She paused nervously, before continuing.

"Ah, you see Ed, I've set up this obstacle course and I want you to ride Epona through it."

Ed stared.

"It's not that hard, I promise. It's two laps and there's only eight fences you need to jump." Sure enough there were eight jumps around the corral. "So can you, please?"

_'No, not those eyes! Those annoying puppy dog eyes you know I can't say-'_

"Oh, alright."

"Yes!" she shrieked happily. "I'll go saddle Epona up, you wait right here." And with that she had dashed off, the red horse following her.

"What… just happened?" he asked confused.

"You can't say no, can you Ed," giggled the Al-fairy.

Edward scowled.

---

Ed hoped onto the back of the horse nervously.

"Okay, here are the reins," 'Malon' said excitedly. "Oh and as an extra challenge, you have to beat fifty seconds. If you can do that, I have an awesome gift that'll be delivered to your house."

Ed swallowed nervously. He had never ridden a horse.

"Ready, set, GO!" She hit Epona's rump with a loud 'smack'. With a loud neighing, the horse took off at a gallop towards the first fence, Ed clinging on for dear life.

The pair cleared the first fence with ease, as it was barely off the ground. The second fence was more of a challenge, standing about half a meter off the ground. Epona easily cleared it and the next two fences, which were the same height as fence one. Straightening after the bend, they came to the straight, where there were three fences lined up one after the other. Ed's stomach rose into his throat as they approached fences five and six, which both stood at half a meter.

He needn't have worried, Epona knew what she was doing, even if her rider didn't. She cleared these fences easily, but it was obvious that she'd need a bit more encouragement for the next fence. It was clearly the highest fence there; well and truly above one meter tall. Ed whacked Epona's rump in the hopes of gaining some speed. Three meters away he closed his eyes with a whimper.

'_I'm gonna die!' _he screamed mentally.

The horse managed to clear the fence. Ed opened his eyes. They were coming around the bend now and out of nowhere came fence number eight. It stood at about eighty centimetres tall, and luckily they had been going fast enough, or Ed may have learned how to fly the hard way. Finally coming around to the front straight, they galloped forward.

They managed to get around again without incident, crossing the finish line at speed. Ed pulled back on the reins, forcing the horse to stop. Shakily, he slid his feet out of the stirrups and fell unceremoniously from the saddle onto the ground.

"Wow, you did it Ed! You did that in forty nine seconds, I can't believe it!" Winry said shrilly, throwing her arms around his neck. "I'll have the prize sent to your house right now!" Getting up, she ran in the direction of the house, leaving a dazed Edward behind.

---

It was dusk, and Ed was following the small metallic fairy 'home'. He had just crossed a bridge and exited a tunnel into a small forest village, where all the houses appeared to be large, hollowed out trees.

"Up here Edward," the Al-fairy called, looking down from the top of a ladder. Ed climbed wearily, hoping to get a little sleep in this whacked out world. Finally reaching the top, he clambered in through the door, his eyes barely open.

He was just about to flop down onto the bed in front of him when a noise that sent chills down his spine came from behind him. Ed rotated on the spot and came face to face with his biggest nemesis:

A cow.

"MOOOOOOOOOO!"

"AAAAAARRGGGGGGGGHHH!"

Edward awoke in a cold sweat, staring wildly around. The door to the room burst open and Winry came in, closely followed by Al and Mustang.

"Oh, Edward, you're awake! Thank heavens," said Winry, throwing her arms around Ed and squeezing so tightly, he couldn't breathe.

"Where am I?" he managed to gasp out.

"You're in the Military hospital. You gave us quite a scare there, Fullmetal," Mustang said, smirking as Winry finally let go.

"Why? What happened?" Ed asked, rubbing his ribs gingerly.

"Well, you see," said Al awkwardly. "Winry tried to get you to drink milk and when you didn't she forced it down your throat."

Ed glared at Winry and she turned away, blushing.

"We all thought you were faking passing out, until we noticed you'd stopped breathing," she whimpered.

"Stopped… breathing," Ed said shocked. "Then how am I-"

A deep booming voice from the doorway interrupted him.

"Fear not, Edward Elric, for I, Alex Louis Armstrong, The Strong Arm Alchemist, was able to perform CPR on you!"

Everyone in the room sweatdropped as the Major ripped his shirt off and flexed his muscles, striking a pose in the doorway, lights twinkling about his head.

"C…P…R…?"

Everyone turned to look at Ed, just as he passed out again.

Silence filled the room.

"Was it something I said?" asked Armstrong, confused.

**END **

**Endnotes:** Hope you guys enjoyed! Flame-free zone! Sorry Roy -_pats Mustang sympathetically-_


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